D N A ...and me, you, us. I feel you in my heartbeat, in my deepest known self ID EGO ...I knew there was someone missing; don't know how I Love You. My brother; damn how you look like him, how you look like me. Damn. I miss YOU. We've never met in real life. Skype, chats so polite and cautious are what we know. I am selfish; possesive,sick with sorrow and desperate. Thank the Universe, "God?". Mostly let's praise your smart birthmother, that you did not know HIM. The man with the sperm, the lies, the narcissitic persona; the overtaking birthfather we share. Lucky One. He flooded anyone near him with his tsunami of FIRST. I am jealous that you had a father who loved you, NO MATTER WHAT! A Mother that was so amazingly grateful you were placed into her arms Still you were the son of the one who was unable to give many of his genetic creations that he "kept" a sense of importance, of being wanted. He always was more important. I am so grateful brother you were given love, a family life that was whole. I am broken, as I never knew this profound love from our shared birthfather. I was his pawn, sidekick, the one who knew, saw who he was; I carried too much Truth, I was disposable to him as he bounced from woman to woman, lived lie after lie. You were saved. May I, if I am given one last gift, sit next to you, hug you and protect our connection? I am the gun with empty chambers,shooting at the bad but never succeeding in stopping the beast. I am the sister, the mother, the wife, the daughter who will, if I must, load the pistiol, take the fall to keep us ONE. I give you and all of BadDad's secrets a free card; It is not your fault that he did not care about us He is a fault, a barren soul; let's recreate our world without his demons. Triggered and Trust are both silent emotions. LittleMe Beckons you home, waits on the front porch far away With her heart entwined with yours. B R O T H E R ILOVEYOU.
At night I close my eyes yet am wide awake wanting a miracle to make you happy, to be whole and live the life you want to live. To unlock the chains of stigmatism, of bigotry and divisiveness I would slay fiercely. I want to wake to see you smiling, holding the hand of another, laughing and having plans that don’t include me. I want you to be loved as I love you, your heart to feel cosy and warm; I want this life to begin for you with acceptance and commitment. Will the barriers which bind you to unhappiness release you soon; will the sun shine and your warm brown eyes have no tears? I lay solemn, my pledge to see you through your journey unwaivering. I would be lying to myself and to the grand altruism deemed LOVE if I said it will all be okay. I don’t know if it will be okay, that you will thrive or that this world will give you what you need. My heart is heavy, my mind restless; I never stop thinking about you becoming who you are without more pain. I would pray, yet my beckoning turns sour when each day I see your soft eyes vulnerable. The God I once knew would not cast such pain on you. Goodnight my love. May you sleep and dream of rainbows and all the things that keep you strong; I close my eyes yet my heart is open for you every hour, every breath and will never be calm until I know you are satisfied.
In the deep green, the lychee layers sprawl; in the deep green my heart expresses all. Above, soft blue sprinkles through the trees, a sigh of light lands on me. The stones hold memories, ancient muted songs of those who walked before me with their own dreams strong. I pause to speak to the spirits around me, I call for them to help me see. Silently my grandmothers with wise women sing, of love, death and all in between. The wind so cool playing with branches gently swaying as my soul enhances. I want to weep yet I am boldly compelled to seek out guidance and perhaps a spell. If I can heal my child’s pain with divinity, I beg that you share your sacred recipe. Dear Mother of our forests breath, I will forsake all for my bequeathed. Take her pain and rinse her despair, show me again how she will fair. Within herself, give back her smile and lead her through this desperate trial. I walk away and ask once more for you to open her heart’s closed door. A Mother so vast, so grand as you must reach out and take her hand. Remember when she was so content, her love so easy, her innocence? Deep green forest and strong tall trees, lift her fog. Blessed Be.
Love is not limited by time, that is certain to LittleMe. Love is expansive, complicated, messy and impossible to keep contained. Control is not Love. A homeless teenager who carries her baby to full term and knows she wants to find a right fix for her socially perceived wrong places her soul, her breath, her entire heart out on a cliff and closes her eyes, praying, convincing herself she is doing the best thing for her creation. The how’s and why’s of her pregnancy are irrelevant because it’s her Love that kept the life, gave the hope and healed from another’s broken promise. Or maybe she sees two special people, man and man capable of Love and no longer silences Love to man and woman. She in her bravery embellishes the essence of Love as Birth Mother. She never walks away. Never stops remembering. Baby placed in another’s arms please be safe from the real worlds harm. Each birthday she remembers you. Each birthday I remember, too. I love My child from another’s time, another’s eyes and not just mine. I don’t want to share but I do. LittleMe reminds me blood is not family often, but without the conscience of one amazing human that I don’t know, I would not be the selfish Mother that I am. I do not want to share, or recall or feel linked in this triage of Love. Then there is more, a brother, too. You are not for me to contain, hold back nor own. And Love, well, my way is always possessive and greedy when I am afraid of being forgotten; be it by my child, my lover, or my Love never given openly to another, I will covet and feel weary. I know no one is really mine. It’s a broken part of me that ROCK believes is ready to open the door and spread some goodness. I hope this is true. I think of the woman who healed when my brother was placed in her arms and want him back. I want to scream for BaDDaD to “go to hell”. I lost someone, too. My heart sees the face like mine in a strange far away and terrifying reunion and I cry. I keep you brother in my pocket and I wish you were more than an image of genes and mistakes. People like me go on loving their abusers, their users and the Truth is simply that we didn’t know we had a choice.
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